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The Effect of Sexual Violence on Your Relationship With Sex

By Brooke Burnett

First let us establish a common ground- no matter who you are, where you’re from, or your experience/lack there of, sex is fun. At least it should be. Or at one time it was.

 

If you’re a survivor of sexual assault or sexual violence, will sex ever be fun?

The answer is yes, if you’re honest with yourself and honest with your partner. If you’ve been through sexual assault or sexual violence, sex changes. You think about being intimate differently. It goes from something that once felt good and was shared between someone you cared for into something you fear, something that makes you uncomfortable. If your first interaction with sex was an assault, maybe you immediately build walls between you and a partner. Maybe you’d rather stay abstinent from sex entirely- any and all of these reactions are completely valid, and getting back to a healthy relationship with sex takes time. But what happens when you do want to be sexually active again?

First, you gotta get real. A way to address your assault within your relationship with a potential partner is to be painfully honest. Honesty and transparency are the MOST important factors in repairing a relationship with sex. Be honest with yourself and honest with your partner. You don’t have to disclose your assault or past experience with sexual violence with your partner. These questions should STILL be asked regardless: What are you comfortable with physically? What is your partner comfortable with? What is an effective way to communicate with each other in the event that the answer to the those questions changes? What forms of contraception work best for both of you? Do you have a backup form of contraception (i.e. being on birth control and using a condom)? These aren’t hypothetical questions, these are questions that HAVE to be answered in a healthy sexual relationship.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking that these questions could be uncomfortable and that you might scare your partner away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies, gentlemen, and those in between, gather around. I want you to hear this.

 

IF TALKING ABOUT BOUNDARIES MAKES YOUR PARTNER UNCOMFORTABLE THEN THEY ARE NOT THE PERSON THAT WILL HELP YOU BUILD A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH SEX. Sex will be so much more enjoyable when both of you are comfortable. When clear boundaries aren’t defined, lines get blurred and eventually crossed. Case in point, frequent boundary conversations are important, and I promise there are potential partners that are more than comfortable with talking about boundaries.

 

This all being said, go and be free. Enjoy the world of sex, experiment with things you like and dislike, and remember to always communicate with your partner. If you are having sex and something triggers you and you’re made uncomfortable, tell your partner. If you established a healthy sexual relationship with them, they’ll understand, and if they don’t, onto the next one my friend.

 

As always, we’ll be here. Talking about sex isn’t taboo here at Necessary Behavior, so whether you need advice on how to spice things up in the bedroom or how to cope with something, reach out! We love hearing from you. Ciao!

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